I awoke from dream-filled sleep with the following feeling:
“What am I doing here? This makes no sense to me.”
It is very uncomfortable. But since it doesn’t seem to be going away I’ll just have to move with it to the best of my ability.
Remember: stay with what is right in front of you, right now. Put all of your attention on seeing, observing and feeling. Thoughts about any larger scenario – like the rest of the day, the year, the rest of my life and places other than where I am at this moment – are distractions born of fear and are escapes from this simple NOW – HERE.
Remember: there is a state free of thoughts and that is the only true state: sthiti – the standstill state. Cease to feed thoughts of any kind, they are generally insanity.
Feel more clearly all movements of this body: breathing, getting out of bed, putting on the robe, the slippers, getting toothbrush and toothpaste, going down the hall to the bathroom etc. etc. Then I am finally fully clothed to walk up to the kitchen along the forest path in 25 degree crisp, dry cold.
In this way I follow what seem to be the needs of this person: piece of toast with peanut butter and applesauce; espresso coffee with milk in my travel mug. Successfully I return to the ‘cozy room’ in the dorm where I may have a couple of hours for study, contemplation and quiet. I was even able to interact with my partner in all of this, my wonderful wife Alia, and let her know of my condition this morning.
Abundance is the central topic on my mind today. This has nothing to do with my initial questions about what am I doing here? what is this all about? It has more to do with meeting the fear of my mind that somehow this is all very, very wrong. I look at the fact that my life is irrefutable evidence of the completely dependable abundance of Existence and that Nature really does ‘take care of its own’. This psycho-physiological stream of existence that I feel as being “me” is indeed being sustained in its existence.
It is progressing visibly in its cycle of birth-living for a while-death. In other words I do observe clearly signs or what we call “ageing”: certain functions are no longer there that were there in the youth-phase. This body is losing its vitality bit by bit. I can no longer leap tall buildings in a single bound or run faster than a speeding bullet and I am certainly not more powerful than a locomotive.
So what is wrong with all this? Abundance has, fortunately, provided me with an increasing capacity to be still and to allow the brain to subside in its incessant searching and grasping. This capacity for stillness is a great comfort. I am beginning to access the no-thought-state more continually. I recognize the complete absurdity of wanting anything from this projection we call “the world”. Why should a shadow desire another flickering shadow?
Remember: just be with what shows up but do not be engaged with it beyond what is suitable to minimize disturbances to the silence. Silence is the deepest teacher and is your Beloved. Also – allow Existence to swallow you – you are not different from the reality. Just see what happens.
One sage spoke of “perfect disillusionment” – this may be it.