Up against it

I feel all of the constriction of the individual who wants to protect his interests and prove that he is right and the other is wrong. I damaged someone else’s property and that person is a close friend of mine. When I was confronted by that person I became very defensive, although I had recognized at the time of the occurrence that I had caused the damage due to my lack of attention. Yes, there were many circumstances that led me to be distracted and then cause the damage. I saw very quickly what  I needed to learn out of the experience, namely that I have a ‘weakness’ of wanting to satisfy someone else’s request and thereby overlook my own condition and my own capabilities at the time. Basically I overextended myself.

Nonetheless, in the verbal exchange regarding that event (and a couple of other related happenings) I felt the urge to justify myself and ‘be right’ almost like the force of gravity. I was not able to restrain myself from bringing up MY point of view, which, needless to say, differed in essential points to that of my friend’s perception.

Yes, I have understood that ‘perception is reality’ and that each of us therefore lives in a different reality than all others we engage with in daily life. How extremely difficult it was for me to ‘be of service’ to my friend and just let her vent her pain at the damage to her property without reacting with: “UNFAIR!” I did not succeed. We finally parted amicably but I still have the bad taste in my mouth of my failure to transcend my ego dynamic and wanting to be ‘right’.

My ideal behavior would have been to really just listen and take in my friend’s expression of hurt and not respond with my own views on what had happened. So here I have it: my ‘ideal’ behavior: the behavior that is connected to my ‘idea’ and my image of myself. The actuality is that I was feeling hurt just as well and the psychological layers behind that feeling of hurt go deep. Yes, I can examine them and actually to some extent did, together with Alia. But the essential point for me is to be able to see in a flash that all of this is of the past and not of the present and to be able emotionally to let it fall away without residue. I know it is beside the point and my friendship with this person is not damaged by this situation.  And yet… This movement of “…and yet” is like the force of gravity, so powerful. It intrudes into my mental-emotional state with its toxins and grabs at my guts asking for JUSTICE! Or at least asking me to clearly see the faults in the other person’s views and attitudes, so that I can feel “I am right”.

The present moment is that there are some things that can be done to be a full participant in the situation and to take full responsibility for the property which I used, even if it is not my ‘own. While using it I must see it as my own and then be responsible for anything that happens while I am ‘in charge’ of it.

I now can give up a belligerent, stubborn way of acting and will not have to regret it. I can let go of the fear of being treated unjustly. Yes, it may very well happen that in my view I am again treated unjustly, but the sense of having been slighted or offended is merely a psychological event and not existential. It is so easy to write these words but so very hard to live them. So here I go again, I have understood something about the way I am, as a representative of the human race. This is the reason and the dynamic that causes violence, abuse, suffering and wars. I am here to change and put an end to this dynamic. I can let go of this psychological hurt and be free of the past.

Yes, I know that I am not able to enter someone else’s reality bubble and change the way they see the world and live. My only power is in the present moment to be in integrity with my own truth. Over and over again I want the ‘other’ to see my truth and acknowledge it to me. This is called: delusion. It will never happen, at least not when I demand it to happen. The other may of his/her own accord come to an understanding that is close or even the same as mine, but I cannot want to force it on him/her because of MY need to feel that I am ‘right’.

This was my rant for today. Thank you for listening.

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