This letter is addressed to my good friends, those that live here with me in Eureka Springs, AR and also those with whom I have shared time over the years. For me writing this letter was like my own “state of the person report” that allowed me to sum up my accounts in several areas of life and to see what my ‘bottom line’ is.
There are some concepts, some thought-forms that I have been holding that are falling away. It seems that they have perhaps outlived their usefulness to me. To hold on to them would, for me, be to hold on to the past. Other concepts present themselves as more appropriate expressions of my current way of seeing things. All concepts, and these as well, are of course limitations to just seeing the actuality from moment to moment, free as much as possible of all labeling.
I like the term “good friends” for the three of us. It includes the various qualities that I want to put my attention on, and I see that at times I have been lacking in some of these: loyalty, support, caring, understanding, compassion, gratitude, generosity in material as well as in psychological matters, and more.
There is something else I would like to express so that my good friends are better able to support me through understanding my process. Also it may then be clear where I have limitations in how I can support them. I do not, and maybe never really have, seen myself creating my own reality. This is not to say that I completely dismiss that concept as having no validity whatsoever. It is rather the fact of my attention, my spiritual force, being irresistibly and inexorably drawn to “see” and “be” that which is behind all appearances, narratives and views.
I am now at a point in my process where I see clearly that the “me”, as a center of experience, desires, dreams and goals, must come to an end in order for the immensity to be seen and to dissolve the veil that hides that immensity. It feels like this “me” sees for itself that it must end. In my view the ‘me’ is an illusory entity, like a psychological hallucination. It is in the process of, so to speak, ‘committing suicide’ by seeing its own invalidity.
That is why, when I am asked what it is that I envision, I am at a loss. I only see “what is”, which in my view is the result of the past and is therefore something like ‘solidified conditioning’ that I see needs to dissolve and disappear. That is the scenario I see when I look at the world, thus I am not in the same frame of reference as most people I know. Nothing in me responds to the invitation to envision a world of my dreams. This is the limitation I have in supporting the process that my good friends tell me of and confirm that they are a part of. In my view, which stems from my own experience, once I am able to transcend the movement of the past, all unfolds spontaneously with great purpose and intelligence.
I do know that the world that appears before us and as us is an expression of that which is behind everything. Thus I suppose that my process of, on a certain level, denying all manifestation and thus being the freedom and immensity I see, somehow supports the process that my good friends are in.
How can my good friends support me? Perhaps what they can do most of all is to honor the fact that my process appears to be quite different and seems, in some respects, actually contrary to their own. For example, sometimes I feel a tremendous weight and sadness pushing down on me. ‘Pushing down’ would seem to be the opposite of uplifting, and many might feel that the latter is to be preferred. Not so in my case. Sadness and heaviness are like two banks of the river of immensity that ‘is’. I am not concerned with what caused to two banks, because my attention, my spiritual force, is immersed in the river.
I used to have a code-word for my wife in such phases: “code gray”, so she would have some idea of where I was because I had no speech available to tell her more at the time. In those phases I do not at all feel “depressed” or that “something is wrong”, even if the superficial feeling is often quite unpleasant for my nervous system. My deeper feeling tone at these times is more like a spelunker exploring a deep labyrinth of tunnels, caves and caverns. Of course I avoid social interactions as much as possible at such times and this behavior is then often misunderstood and taken personally by those around me.
If then I lose my clarity and balance for a moment, I sometimes engage in verbal and other social interactions, contrary to my deeper understanding that I should ‘quarantine’ myself. Usually I then end up being in anger due to the fact that my ego feels it is not understood and that it doesn’t understand the other person. I am still in the process of discovering a way of receding out of linear interactions without offending or hurting anyone. I know I have caused hurt in this way in the past and I regret that. I am putting my attention on this aspect of my process so as to catch the early-warning signs of the ego jumping in and creating contention, and to catch the cue to exit the situation gracefully in time.
I hope I was able to give you a bit of an insight into how my world appears to me. Thank you for your patience.