Living Love: Day 19 – Need and Giving

Living LoveIt may be one of the most difficult things to do: I am caught up in a sense of needing something and then to turn myself inside-out and give to another, or to the world, or to myself. Feeling that I need is like a hole to be filled: in the hole is nothing, and so something must come from outside to fill me.

19. Love is expansive. When you give from your heart you grow

I know, I know! I can’t really need something because I am one with all that is; everything is already part of me. But it feels like I need something, even if my mind says: “Remember all that you have learned, remember that the psychological sense of need is an illusion!” This is not about ‘I need a drink of water’ or ‘I need a roof over my head’. No, this is about having all that is really necessary for physical survival and yet: the feeling of ‘need’ surfaces in my awareness. This is the root of all addictions and for the moment when I am in that energy of need it feels very, very real.

So we come to the sense of ‘need’ being but another of the various frequencies that swirl around me every day. It is an illusion, very well, but when part of my energy field is caught up in this particular frequency it can be very, very tenacious. All of us reading these words know that we have somehow found the way to bring our energy field into another frequency. We have learned how to change our frequency at will. But does is really happen according to the recipe? How to change your frequency from need to giving in 10 easy steps?

My experience is that I came into such a dead-end, such a place of despair that ‘something’ in me reared up, like the force of nature itself, and I viscerally ‘got’ that I had to open up to being a conduit for something bigger, vaster, to move through me into the world. This wasn’t just a one-time occurrence, but on one particular day at the end of my training in the US Army there was a particular occurrence. I was 18 years old and one of 49 soldiers fresh out of boot camp and advanced individual training. I had been trained as a radio operator and the time was 1969. Slowly the reality of a radio operator became clear to all 49 of us: we would be sitting on top of a tank and would be prime targets for the Vietcong.

Before the Army I was at the University of Illinois I had been active with SDS (Students for a Democratic Society) and had taken part in draft card burning rallies and other Anti-War protests. When I heard that the chances were very high that our company would be getting orders for duty in Vietnam, I obtained paperwork from the company office to apply as a Conscientious Objector. I intended to refuse to go to a ‘theater of war’ – my decision was firm. The next thing I knew I got orders for Germany. Whatever happened behind the scenes I do not really know. 47 others were sent to Vietnam.

TOSHIBA Exif JPEGTwo days before they were all due to ship out, they chipped in and got a few cases of beer to “celebrate”. What actually happened was that a lot of 17 and 18 year-olds were scared to death and wanted to numb out. However death is infinitely stronger than any inebriating drink. Toward the end of the evening, the alcohol having rendered most of the kids more uninhibited, there was grief, wailing and moaning: death was in the air. I tried to tell some that no one could force them into battle. The worst case scenario was being thrown into prison for disobeying orders and then a dishonorable discharge, but still better than going to a foreign country to shoot at others and be shot at.

Of course my logic fell on deaf ears. No one was willing to look at the repercussions of such action: complete estrangement from their families, friends and communities. Everywhere I looked I saw stark fear in their eyes, almost on the verge of panic, but with nowhere to run.

The next day I was off duty and needed to get away from that scene in the barracks, so I went on a hike out into the woods on the base at Trenton, N.J. I remember crying to myself out loud: “There isn’t enough love to go around!” In this state of despair I laid down in an old bomb crater right at the end of the airfield runway. A huge C-141 was just lifting off and c-141-0211was about 100 – 150 feet above me. I was looking right up at its belly. In that moment a surge of energy came up from the Earth under me end filled my whole body and mind. It was a cathartic moment that left me filled with the cellular certainty of Love flowing through me as I give it to others. I spoke aloud: “Love has to come out of me!

Is this the way to turn oneself around energetically? No, it is not a recipe, but it does point to a crisis being a birth. Krishnamurti speaks of letting hatred, fear, jealousy “flower” in order for them to be transmuted by that process. In my example I had let myself feel what it means to be without hope, absolutely, forever in all eternity, deeply convinced that there just is not enough love in the world to go around. I didn’t stop up short and tell myself some platitude. I let it work in me and it led me to an opening, what I call the trap-door at the bottom of the pit of despair. To say “it led me” is incorrect: an opening happened as I reached the absolute dead-end. I was not looking for an opening because I was convinced that there was none.

How to turn oneself around energetically from ‘need’ to ‘giving’? You have to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps. You have to give all your passion into whatever is your present state. If it is ‘need’, give it your all, every ounce of your energy and see where it takes you. Don’t pacify yourself with platitudes. Take on the motto: “Make it or break it!” Don’t settle for mediocre. If you are sad, be really sad as if you were going to be sad forever and ever and ever. Don’t allow yourself the escape hatch of “I’ll be sad for a while and then I’ll brighten up, after I have some chocolate.”star-nursery Stephanie Jill Rudd-s blog cropped

The Yoga Sutras of Patanjali state that the posture (asana) that leads to Yoga (subsiding of the disturbed mind patterns) is “the continuous awareness of the infinite eternal existence”. In whatever energy I am, if I am able to enter into this posture, and see my present state as continuing on into “infinite eternal existence”, then I will most certainly look at it differently. The moment I am earnest in my endeavor to get to the bottom of whatever it is, I will connect with that eternal and infinite existence. Then I will see my truth.


wordcloud day 19


26 thoughts on “Living Love: Day 19 – Need and Giving

    • …and see where it takes you ~ yes, to open up to my present state, no matter if it meets my conditioned expectations or not… not so easy, but that is the only way out of the dullness of the trance state that my conditioning leads me to. 😉 Thanks for your response! tomas

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  4. Wow, what an experience. I can’t imagine what it is like for 17 and 18-year-olds to process war. It’s so young to have “the pressure of your country riding on your shoulders.” And even then, you understood there was somehow more. Thanks for your story. Are you saying that the platitudes we we pacify ourselves with are really just preventing us from experiencing the emotion? Where does controlling our thoughts come into play?

    • Yes, sending 17 or 18-year-olds into combat in a modern war is pure and simple insanity. No one wants to see it that way, but it is so. They have no way of making a qualified decision in the matter of life and death that they are being confronted with. They are being manipulated like puppets on a string by those who have an interest in wars.
      On the subject of platitudes: beneath every emotion is something deeper that our soul want us to look at. When we succumb to the distraction that a platitude (or the piece of chocolate or the beer etc) provides, we de-fuse the energy of the emotion and so we feel pacified for the moment.
      What the emotion can show us is only experienced when we use the emotion as an energetic track deeper into our being and are brave enough to keep our inner eyes open even when it gets uncomfortable. So it sounds strange for Krishnamurti to say that anger, hate, jealousy need to flower in order for us to get to the roots of ourselves, but he doesn’t mean that when they flower that they should be expressed to another in destructive behavior. No, the whole process is inside of us.
      It is a process, but upon examination is becomes clear that our thoughts are not something outside and separate from us. The actual state of affairs is that we are our thoughts. So who is supposed to control what? To control my thoughts I would have to be separate from them. To say “The Controller is the Controlled” points to the impossibility of controlling your thoughts. You give energy to your thoughts, which are the expression of your energy stream. There is no human energy stream without the mental component and we call that ‘thoughts’. How do thoughts subside? One way of putting it is that thought itself, that energy stream of ‘me’ in the quality of thought, sees itself for what it is: nothing, mere smoke and noise. When that happens the impetus to fed more energy into thoughts lessens and can even come to a still-stand. When I attempt to control my thoughts I am actually feeding my attention (= energy) into the mental stream and it reacts by increasing its dynamic – like when I pour gasoline onto a fire. It is a very fascinating and far-reaching topic and is actually the subject of the entire Yoga Sutras of Patanjali.
      Thanks for asking!
      with Peace, Joy and Love,

  5. Amazing observations Tomas, we are creatures of complexity. I know every need is “tailored” for our spiritual growth and earthly development. Just thinking aloud, could this subtle form of need be intrinsic to our survival instinct? Or perhaps from our collective existential angst, simply from living and being human? Perhaps it’s ALL right, desires are part of the natural design, neither good or bad, but our response to the desire teaches something about us. Just a little awareness goes a long way… ♥

    • There is the view that the entire physical phenomenal world is linked in a relationship with itself of total interconnectedness. Thus every energy movement is per default a part of the whole and this includes every thought form, which is what a desire is. The emotional coloring is part and parcel of the thought form, if you so will. These bodies, seen as physical vehicles for consciousness, have a deeply ingrained program of survival. However, many have pointed out and I concur, that the emotional/psychological component of the survival program seems to continue to pervade the experience consciously or sub-consciously far beyond its functionality. In clear text: you insult me and I react as if my survival were threatened. The young soldiers got the feedback from their social environment that they would be seen as failures, traitors, cowards etc. if they dared question the orders for Vietnam combat. Their survival programs responded to the challenge and the message was unequivocal: do not question the orders from above. So, yes, I agree with you: nothing, including desires are good or bad and our response shows us something about ourselves. What does it show me? That is where the inquiry gets juicy. 🙂

  6. I am being quite nourished by these posts of yours. Thank you. I don’t quite know what to say about this one for now, except that it resonates for me.

    And again, I love the word cloud. If this is a pattern for you, I must say I really like it.

    • Thank you, David! and about the word cloud, I immediately saw what you meant about a word cloud being a reflection, a kind of feed-back for the writer, and for me it is a feedback that goes beneath the intellect – it strikes a deep chord in our being that is actually a ‘speech-being’. They are a collage of the thought stream that the text is one expression of, and the word cloud another, more ‘non-linear’ one. I thank you for the impulse to use them and also for the link to Wordle – that makes is so simple to create.

      • Well said! I think that must be why I like certain stream of consciousness writing, Virignia Wolfe especially. Though Joyce’s Finnegan’s Wake is just too much for me. Possibly because unlike a smaller picture, or a stream of them, it’s too much for the mind’s eye to take in without getting lost in the confusion. But this size is something I can handle, and I agree, it resonates in something beyond just intellect.

  7. Wow! What an intense and powerful and personal experience to share… thank you, Tomas. I’m glad you have found your path and are sharing your wisdom with us 🙂
    Blessings be

  8. This is great, is valuable. Moments like now having read your post above, I think how valuable it is the www that we can not only connect with like minded people, but they make posts that some days have immense meaning to you, and you go off to work/your duties mindful, pensive, and your day is different for it.

    Thank you.

  9. Incredibly powerful post, Tomas and for me, quite timely, as is often the case with many of your posts. In particular, I admire your phrase of “make it or break it” for every moment we have. Platitudes are too readily available and tempting, it seems, but mostly, they are hollow or at best, temporary. Really appreciate this post.


    • I am happy to hear this, Dear Karen! I am never sure how others will take delivery of what comes out when I write. It does seem to hold true that we can rely on the laws of synchronicity that when I express what for me is significant at the moment, then it is somehow significant for others as well. Thank you for your response! with Love, Tomas

  10. Tomas, Chocolate! mmmm. I am in the process of trying to catch up on your posts and must apologize as I have been overwhelmed with work writing and hundreds of e mails. Love your posts and I am grateful you share such insight and wisdom as you travel this journey with such love.

    With love,

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